54. The first step to unfuck yourself

I always attempt to get my life in perfect order — to wake up at 5, to read half an hour a day, to use weekends to work on my personal project. As much and as hard as I try, there will always be a time when I fuck up.

There will be days when I spend hours perfecting my writing and still make typos, determined to do my morning routine but binge-watched Netflix the night before. When these happen, I tend to fuck myself real bad over my mistakes. I will think about how useless I am, how I fall into the same trap again and how I could not see what’s coming. But when I punish myself for fucking up, instead of stopping, the situation usually just goes down hill. Subconsciously, I will continue fucking up even more. My mind will run an irrational wisdom — since you’ve fucked up, why bother doing the right thing now?

I’ve now learned that the first step to unfuck myself is to forgive myself. I’d chant this mantra “[Name], I forgive you for doing [X], you’re not perfect, take a breather”. What happens next is a sensation of compassion and warmth comes enveloping me. This feeling then forms a positive energy which my mind responds positively to. Eventually, it gives me the space to pause, reflect, get out of the despicable situation and finally do the right thing.