I spent seven days in an intense retreat in the jungle to attain embodied freedom. I met my darkest shadows, released stuck emotions, and fully tasted all parts of me. I screamed, grieved, laughed, and cried in ways I’ve never seen before. I felt deeply the full range of my emotions, my divine expression, and essence, unencumbered by any limitations.
A big part of my release came from reliving my childhood trauma that has a lot to do with my dysfunctional family. I’ve done a lot of inner work and thought that I’ve made my peace with my past. I’ve addressed my withholds with my parents. My relationship with them has gone deeper than ever. I’ve accepted that the absence of my dad in my childhood was due to his own trauma. I knew that he did the best he could and loved me in his own way. I love him and I have zero negative feelings toward him today.
Yet, I found out that the little wounded boy in me is still encaged in my body. One who spent most of his time in the house terrified. Terrified of the door slamming, the sharp noise of objects smashing the ground, not knowing when the next bout of shouting would be. One who had to console himself and felt helpless when his mom confided to him. One who didn’t get to express the pain, anger, confusion of why he had to be put through all this. Having no one to seek protection and safety from. I don’t remember much of my childhood in the house but there’s knowing, remnants of how the wounded boy felt that is still present in the body.
This became evidently so as I fully allowed everything to come out throughout the week. Boy, it’s incredible to witness how much that is still suppressed in my body. Looking back, it makes complete sense, almost two decades of bottling up these emotions, without a healthy outlet for expression, it all had to go somewhere. I was swallowing my emotions away. They didn’t get digested but buried deep in the body. Even years of working through the mind, I realized, is not sufficient to heal our emotional scars. Beyond just the intellectual, we need a somatic release.
Our body, I learned, is a true time machine. All the unresolved trauma from each age is tightly stored in our bodies. When we get triggered, we go back down to the age when the trauma developed. We access the memory and bodily response…